Last Day of Maternity Leave

I'm sitting here watching my Sweet Cheeks on her video monitor while she takes her last nap of the day.  It's been 18 weeks and I can't believe it.  Tomorrow I'll return to the work force and it feels so bittersweet.  I love my job and can't wait to get back to "the grind", but as I sit here watching my little girl I don't want to, can't imagine, don't know if I even can leave her. 

It's strange...I know none of what I'm thinking is true.  Countless children have working mothers (including myself) and have gone to daycare (again, including myself) and they all love their mothers just as much as a kid who has a stay at home mom (yup, including myself).  Just because you stay at home doesn't make you a good mom and just because you have to work doesn't make you a bad one...but I can't help but think the following:

1. Will she still love me as much?
2. Will leaving her break our bond?
3. Will she remember me?
4. Will she miss me?
5. Will she be royally screwed up because I left her?

Again, I know the answers to these, but my heart is sorrowfully wondering and not even the thought that Nick will be home with her helps.  All I keep thinking is it's been 18 weeks, my time is up, how can that be?  How will I manage not being with her every minute of the day?  How will I manage not seeing every smile, every tear, and every wondrous stare she makes?  How will I survive on getting to be with her only an hour or two before bed for five days and just two days out of seven every week (and have to share her with Nick for those two days)?

My only answer is that the strongest woman I've ever known did it (my mother) and she did it in a forgein country without knowing English very well with all of her family thousands and thousands of miles away on a completely different continent and a husband who wasn't around because he was in the Army.  She's my best friend, my hero, and the woman I have the most respect for, so deep down I know I can do it too.

Just remember Sweet Cheeks...just because Mommy can't be with you all the time doesn't mean she loves you any less.  You're always in my thoughts and always in my heart and I love you more than anyone.  You make my soul sing and fill my life with such joy.  Nothing can ever change that.

But still, when did my Sweet Cheeks, my Bree Pea, my Bree Bree, my Chubbles, my Chunk-a-Monk, my Eagle Screecher, my COOKIE go from this:

to this???

Happy 4 Month Birthday Bree Bree!

Pedi appointment yesterday...still in the 90th percentile at 24 3/4 inches and a whopping 15 lbs, 4 oz!  Up from 13 lbs, 6 oz at her last sick visit in April!!!  Here's the 4 Month Birthday Photo Shoot.  She's getting so much more patient during these shoots.  There were so many good ones, it was hard to pick the winner!

Here's the winner posted on Facebook!

Hello Mr. Owl!

Hello feet!  If I could only figure out how to grab you...

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The Return of Cookie...

Somehow I knew Cookie would stick...

Mommy Brain Rears Its Ugly Head...Again

New Mommy Brain story...went to Anthropologie today to return a rug we had ordered online.  It was too small for where I wanted it (tip to the wise, don't order rugs online unless you're REALLY sure what size you need). 

After I returned the rug I decided to browse the sale rack, I mean I just had extra money since I returned the rug.  Maybe I'd spend it on myself rather than Cookie for a change.  I found so many cute things and was gathering them to try on.  In this pile included a dress and a belt that was sold separately.  After all that digging, I decided to be good and not try anything on or buy anything...especially since I was so spoiled on Mother's Day and Father's Day is just around the corner.

I put everything away and left the store and wandered on down to Baby Gap.  While in Baby Gap I look down at the BOB and see...the belt I had found for the dress.  I had draped it over the handles and had completely shoplifted it!!!

I immediately went back to Anthropologie to return it, apologized profusely, and Cookie decided that was the prime moment to let me know she was ready to be out of her stroller by having a meltdown.

I love Cookie, but sometimes (just sometimes) I miss my intellect.

Sweet Music to My Ears...

Cookie's first laugh...and Mommy got to be the one to hear it.  We got 3 laughs and then Cookie got tired.  By the time Daddy got home from work,  Cookie was all  laughed out and ready for bed.  Tomorrow's a new day and I'm hoping she won't make us wait to hear her laugh again.

Now, if we could just roll over...we only have a week and a half until Mommy has to go back to work.  Yes, Mommy's being greedy.

Moments after the first sweet laugh...

Baby Tenda, Baby Tenda, Baby Tenda!

She loves it!!!

Exhausted after playing in the Baby Tenda!



Catching Daddy up on the day's events while he was at work.



Sleeping Through the Night Means Sleeping in the Nursery

When I began the voyage of pregnancy motherhood, Nick & I talked it over and decided our child would sleep in our room with us, but never in the bed (that didn't last very long) until he/she could sleep through the night so Mommy wouldn't have to trek across the dark house to the nursery to answer feeding calls.

That time has come.  Sweet Cheeks solidly sleeps through the night, every night.  I have to say, I wasn't prepared for this day to come.  Sweet Cheeks's been sleeping through the night for a couple of weeks now and once she first started we decided to do some sleep training (also known as "cry it out").  I got to use that as an excuse to not move her into her nursery.  Tonight is the fourth night and she's taken to putting herself to sleep much better than I had anticipated.  She cries less than 10 minutes every night (naps are still a little sketchy, but we're working on it) and then she drifts off to sleep.  I think she'll always cry or fuss a bit, I like to think of it as her blowing off steam - a friend told me that if you get less than 10 minutes of crying, she considers it a win.  I like that philosophy.

So the time has come.  I gave her a bath tonight, read her Goodnight Moon, topped her off with a little more food, kissed her goodnight, told her I loved her, and laid her in her crib with secret hopes that she wouldn't be able to sleep in her crib.  Seven minutes later after fussing and crying, she's out like a light and Mommy is sitting here wistfully thinking about where the time has already gone (yes, I know it's only been 3 1/2 months).

I know she still needs me and will need me for a very long time to come, but it hurts that she doesn't need me quite as much as she did a month ago...although I'm very proud to have a 3 1/2 month baby who sleeps through the night and can put herself to sleep.  I know this is the first step in a lot of steps of her pulling away and becoming the independent person she's destined to be and it makes me sad (and proud and happy and so many other contradictory emotions I can't even explain).  I can't even blame the hormones anymore.

On a side note, all these smiley photos...still no laugh.  She's real close...I can tell.  Her mouth opens up to laugh, just no sound yet.  I'm hoping I'll get to hear the first one before I go to work, but I'm not sure if I'll get that delight (makes me jealous that it may be Nick who gets that sweet sound for the first time).

Tummy time isn't so hard ANYMORE! HA!!!

Say what!?!

Daddy's so silly!

It didn't fit in my mouth...